2003/
August 31st
Extreme
Closeness
I
know that I am writing after a long time. Longer
than I could think of! But tonight I am going to
share two of my MOST difficult days which I have
had since I can remember. These feelings will definitely
go to help you to grow within yourself.
I must write it all in as fast as
possible because I do not know when I feel that
I do not want to continue to write and it will be
incomplete. Getting to these two days: without getting
to the emotional difficulties in my heart related
to people and friends which triggered off probably
or probably not, these two days. May be we will
come to the emotional things later before I sign
off from being in a situation of extreme closeness.
We were supposed to have Bindaas
Show (BS) with all the children and women and everyone
attached directly to Aamar Nijer Training Schools
(ANTS) today, that is August 30th. And so yesterday
was the day we were supposed to prepare. The day
before the BS is most difficult because we are organizing
a huge packet of energy and fun filled show for
the biggest judge of fun: children!
Anyway, my day started or rather
the previous night ended up pathetically and so
the beginning of the day started the same way due
to emotional reasons. I was TOO shaken within...(I
have realized that emotional things disturb us inside
more than anything else maybe because we invest
all of our mind, body and soul into it) to start
the day thus but obviously it is supposed to be
nothing for a Korak! (A satire, for the giver who
gives us all difficulties).
I had a lot of things to do, like
I have made some really beautiful and attractive
to children “Certificates of Appreciation (CA)”
and also ID cards for all the students of ANTS.
(For sure, I don’t know if the not-so-children-like
would like it or not). I got them printed the previous
day. So I was supposed to cut all the pictures and
paste on the ID and fill up the ‘CA’ and also prepare
the results of all the kids to find out who gets
the first and second prizes for not only studies
but also for attendance in all the various schools
(now ANTS have many schools). I also needed to find
out exactly how many children will get the prizes
in all different categories. I gave someone the
job of doing these calculations and he made a whole
mess so I had not much time to clear it all up.
In the last 3 hours before I went
to the school, my son Nitai got into his mental
trances where he would do the STRANGEST of things.
This would be so unbearable that I reached my limit
of bearing and patience but still I have to bear
it, as I can’t send him back onto the streets. He
would tear the clothes, bed spreads and break all
the light rods and then when he is not satisfied
with all that, he starts to sob all of a sudden
at the top of his voice making it impossible to
stop him. I tell you that is an impossible situation
for me and he would sob for a couple hours. In that
situation I have to continue to work, as I cannot
take it away to another place because there’s a
lot of things involved. I have to stay home and
have to bear the mental torture with only this saving
sentence with me which I repeat to myself that if
he were my own son by birth would I be able to send
him out to the streets as I sometimes really want
to. But it became too difficult for me that day
with the emotional load already piled up huge on
me. It was thus, that I felt it fully to not go
to the school and thus to cancel the BS. But I knew
that couldn’t happen! So I went to lie down for
10 minutes before going out for the school but ended
up spending half an hour there. I had no strength
inside to bear the bus anymore that day so I took
a cab.
I have seen always that when I am
weakest inside, I am put into situations where I
have to give the most from my within and I have
to exercise the greatest patience. Anyway many things
happened at the school and I had to be at my patient-best,
as I understood that the children were very excited
to have the BS the next day! We did everything needed
but the place where we decided to do the show was
the community place of the local community of the
area there. I wouldn’t have wished to go there because
the Principal there doesn’t like me as the fame
of ANTS was bothering her too much. The place also
belonged to those people who cannot see the upliftment
of the community’s children and women. Anyway, we
had to do it there because we hadn’t had a proper
BS since the last 4-5 months as we did not have
a place where all the children could sit and also
play. This community place was the only place. But
a couple of very important people from the community
told me that we could do it there and also assured
me... so there was no worry about the place at least!
There was some mistake with the
printing of the ID and CA and so after the school
finished, I had to come home and take all the CA
and ID back to the printer and then come home again.
I felt that I do not want to come home to face Nitai
as I was unable mentally, emotionally and physically
to go through all that WITH Nitai once more. But
anyway, I came back home and as he has not done
his normal jobs, I did a few and then I was preparing
the dinner when a phone call came. It was a committee
member who told me that the Principal there who
hates me completely, because she was dreaming of
doing a lot of things in the name of women for the
past 6-7 years but couldn’t do actually anything.
But Aamar Nijer - My Own came and did things in
3-4 months. All the results were so obvious and
in-the–face that no one can avoid it and that makes
her extremely jealous of everything we do. So now
she spends her time planning how to sabotage and
stop all the doings of Aamar Nijer - My Own.
Anyway, the man called me and told
me that she had planned for the next day that when
I enter the school to prepare the place for the
BS, they will have a few big, muscular and notorious
goons there to beat me up and do something so that
I may not be able to continue with anything I am
doing. They also accused me of not giving Rs. 10
for each child’s studying here at ANTS which accumulates
to Rs. 6000-7000 as I felt that I am teaching the
poor children in their own community hall and also
the other members have given me permission to teach
them as I want there, because I was not taking any
money from the parents of the children and also
moreover I was spending thousands of money to get
teachers and doing so many things. As if they were
doing a big favour to me by allowing me to get their
local children of the slum educated.
So this person asked me what he
will do because she is threatening him also to give
up his support for me and also threatening to kill
or make him handicapped. I could visualize all the
sad faces of the children already but I told this
man to not talk to her and also that the children
were god’s property and maybe we would not have
the BS the next day and try to arrange it within
a few days some other place. And thus I comforted
him, but I was totally shaken because I could visualize
and feel the pains and sadness of all the children
who were preparing for this celebration for so long
and doing everything I asked them to do, to be a
part of the BS. Especially the younger kids, who
would not be able to bear the sadness and would
cry hard and me being the youngest of the kids,
I couldn’t bear it at all.
So I put the food on fire and didn’t
realize that I did not do it completely and sat
to clean the plates and other various things from
yesterdays eating. I was lost and unaware and the
food was on fire. I am generally a very careful
person but yesterday I was NOT and I realized the
food got fully burnt and so I made something again
for Nitai and I was in a hurry to finish the day
and I went to lie on my bed like that. That day
was not enough.
I got up the next day with a hangover
from the whole emotional, mental, physical back
load and on top of that, the festival screening
of our film MY KARMA would be on September 22nd.
Since I cannot go there and also the help which
I was supposed to get, I will not be getting because
the helpers got extremely busy with their works,
so I was with this pressure that I WILL have to
take out time to do all the things needed to showcase
the film properly at the fest in Los Angeles and
make it successful in terms of inviting and attracting
people. Anyway I had many other important things
to do but somehow, I don’t know why, I forgot to
do them and hence that will be another backlog.
Anyway, since I do not accept failure so soon, I
tried to do the BS in another place near there but
somehow was getting only ‘No’ for an answer.
But anyway, I decided to give all
the money to the Principal and the Community because
there I have to oblige if I have to stay there for
the kids and the women and also I do not like to
have revolution because that is violence for me
and I do not have faith in violence to solve things.
Well, I went to the other school where I am teaching
now a days since April and then the children started
coming all with their most beautiful clothes and
faces made up with beautiful jewelleries etc and
they were all looking like angels. And then I started
in my way to say the situation with minimum injury
to their hearts. Some how I feel that I break people’s
hearts more than doing any good that I originally
wanted to do! Big girls, little children, all were
to start with being upset, but later understanding
the situation and becoming fine when they were coming
to know that we will do the BS within next week.
Then came this very little girl
who must be 3 or 4 years and she is a very quiet
person generally and also very intelligent. I was
talking with other bigger kids and women and she
comes to the door and shouts to me “SIR!!!!!” and
with a big surprise I look at her. I see her looking
straight with very big, full of anger, eyes and
her whole face is getting red with anger and pain
and her cheeks are getting redder than everything
else. She was with her hands on her hips and she
said that and looked to me constantly with so much
pain and anger that how dare I cancel the whole
thing! Then by looking only, she started crying
and crying so loud that no one dared to go to her
and I was also finding it hard to hide my tears
from everyone. So then I called her to me and tried
to explain but she wouldn’t stop crying and somehow
then the women took over and took care of that little
girl and left me to suffer alone.
Anyway the main act of the whole
play was yet to happen! And lo it happens!! One
woman comes and shouts within five minutes of the
whole previous episode. “ What kind of teacher you
are, irresponsible and careless, your one student
has met with an accident at the road outside and
you are sitting here and having fun!” (We have a
big road outside our present school that is always
a worry to me). I got so shocked and struck that
now as if all were not enough that accident had
to happen. Today and now everyone will say that
going to Korak’s school one child dies in an accident
and so we will all boycott him and all things related
to him. I was so weak inside that I couldn’t take
it. I just sat down with big, big words WORRIED
written all over my face. Me, who never shows any
external indications on my face of any difficult
things happening within me ever, to anyone looking
at my face. I didn’t know what to do but I knew
that I will not do anything with emotions at that
time or it will be an end of it all.
At this time the women took over
and they were the ones who have made me their brother.
They told me not to say anything when we go to the
accident site and told these other male teachers
who are from the same slum area there, to do all
the talking, as they knew what to say to stop those
people from attacking me. Anyway, I took all my
teachers and went straight to that place and realized
this little girl has been taken to hospital and
she was bleeding all over the place. On the way
I was told that she belonged to a very, very, poor
family and she was the eldest of the family being
6-7 years old. She has many brothers and sisters
and her father has left her mother to fend for herself.
The mother works from 6am till 8pm and also that
she is the only one from the little kids who ties
me a Rakhi, which is a thread sisters ties on the
hands of brothers to save them from all the dangers
of life.
Luckily
for her, and all of us she only had a few injuries
and things were not so serious. I came back to the
school after visiting the home of the child and
found that all the big girls, Women and some bigger
children were praying, that the girl is fine and
all right so that no one could even point a finger
to me. All the way walking I was thinking and wishing
that why she has to share my load of suffering,
why she had to go through the accident and I wish
I had that accident happen to me in place of her
and she was safe! When I told this to the women
there, one of them told me that there is a difference
between the injuries taken on a leaf and injuries
on the trunk of the tree. With the leaf only that
leaf is injured and with the trunk of the tree,
the whole tree falls. Maybe we at ANTS have become
more closer to each other. I have always had faith
that with sharing sufferings and sadness we become
much closer to the other person than by any other
way.
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